3 reasons to stop giving help for others who struggles
By making them take responsibility and learn from mistakes.
Someone having a bad day is a misunderstood action that might not need any solutions.
The same solution that worked for you might not be it for them.
Because we are such complex creatures, creatures with different needs at different times, we see things that require self-care so differently.
The good part though is that we can relate so much that we want to give others a solution, of course since it worked for us.
But wait, are we really doing it for them or for us because we feel bad for not helping?
Let them handle it in their own way.
Instead of advising, how about giving space for mutual respect?
In general, I prefer to speak to someone about my issues, but that depends on the phase I went through.
I went through a depression phase where I hated receiving any advice because it felt intrusive. I just wanted people to respect my decision.
It was a confusing lonely time but I dealt with it how I felt was right for my feelings. I needed to heal. I needed to process all that shit that went inside my head.
Giving space for mutual respect can be more beneficial than offering unsolicited advice.
They need to process their emotions to grow
While it may be tempting to help rescue them from their own problems, it’s important to let them learn from their mistakes.
To survive, they first need to understand pain. I know it sounds bad but they do.
They need mistakes. Setbacks and challenges are natural aspects of life.
Recently, my 7-year-old son, Naeem, lost his wallet on the train platform. He may have lost it while being distracted by other things and nobody knew until we wanted to tap out of the exit.
I let him carry his own personal stuff instead of holding onto his items. He has his own bag that I ask him to carry with him at all times.
As a result of that incident, he had to deal with the consequences of losing all his money and items. He knew he was responsible for it and no one else.
If I were to have carried his stuff, he wouldn’t value or take things for granted.
We walked a good 15 minutes home and avoided paying for the bus because his transport card was in his wallet too. Teaching important values like responsibility, resilience and alertness to a child is an important aspect of parenting.
He needs to learn to deal with pain and loss so that he will remember how it feels like to lose something.
Losing a wallet is painful, but knowing that your child grows up not knowing how to deal with setbacks is even more painful.
Allowing natural consequences to occur can encourage positive change.
Helping might create dependency
When we consistently provide help to others, it can create a sense of dependency.
It may then further enable them to continue making poor choices because they know someone is there to solve it for them.
For example, if I continue to keep borrowing money from others because they don’t have enough, it will further enable their irresponsible habits, instead of them learning to take responsibility for their finances.
This often starts when teenage kids start to want to keep up with their friends and this unhealthy habit of borrowing money can become unhealthy in the future when they are adults.
I’ve also been through enough debts in my previous marriage to understand how it felt like to keep paying for someone else’s mistakes.
Hence, it is important to discuss upfront what are our responsibilities so that everyone knows what their roles are.
It is nice to be flexible when it comes to giving and taking, but it’s important to speak up when is it crossing the line.
So you see, in conclusion, while it is natural to want to help others, it’s important to do so in a way that respects their boundaries. By offering support instead of solutions, we can empower them to find their own way and build stronger relationships.
This new post is an experiment to see how taking one idea rather than making 5 ideas a week will work out.
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